Ok. I’ll admit it. I have been worrying these last few days about my nose and knees. “Focus on the positive” – blah blah blah. It’s hard to find a positive in your nose bleeding to the point it drips on your shirt at work and you now have a bloody stain on your sweater for the rest of the day.

And I am allowing myself to have a whiny post. Because I feel like whining and I haven’t been overly whiny before. I am going to whine to purge and then release and move on. You have been warned.

The last health update from the rheumatologist was how I am now awaiting an appointment with an ENT specialist to do a biopsy of my nose to test for vasculitis. I had this appointment last Wednesday, and I realize today is only Monday, but with the time sensitivity of this appointment and biopsy, I am anxious to get going on this. So today I called and left a message with the rheumatologist to get an update. I am also anxious, because my nose is getting worse. Before it was just dried blood in my nasal cavity. Then there would be a little bit of “liquid” blood too, but just when blowing my nose. Now I get blood running from my nostril and it takes some time for the bleeding to stop. And my knees. Even though I was told that my description of the symptoms are not what they would expect for a sign of vasculitis, I still can’t shake the idea that this doesn’t seem right that they can still be so sore and swollen and stiff, from my current physical activity. Whether it is just walking throughout the day, or dance or my weight training.

So I am listening to my body, specifically my nose and knees right now, and I am going to push for this specialist appointment, in a polite and firm manner. If I don’t hear back from the office today, then I will call tomorrow and also mention my changed symptoms.

Because throughout all this, as much as we place ourselves in the hands of our health care providers, we are responsible for ourselves. And it’s up to me to get the answers and responses that I need. And right now, I am worrying from the wait of the next biopsy. And the only way to stop the worry, is to get the appointment so that I know we are moving along to take the next step.

Huh. Maybe that wasn’t as whiny as I expected? Maybe a better word to use instead of “whiny” is “scared”. And it’s hard to come across as positive when you are scared. I think I am just scared right now. Because the unknown is scary, especially when you feel time is working against you.