Last week I was hypersensitive and didn’t know why. When I shared my struggles with a dear friend, she reminded me that this time of year is hard for me. And my response? I hadn’t even realized it. She explained that sometimes, one will distract themselves with other emotions, to avoid the real ones that you are feeling. So now I have chosen to embrace them instead.
On Friday, Arrine and I had a wonderful day together. And then at bedtime, she chose to stall. I do need to clarify, that bedtime is not horrible. It is actually quite an ok time for us. Just sometimes, she struggles falling asleep, as we all do. And then the stalling happens. But I was tired. And distracted by my sadness, and once she was asleep, I felt guilty for how I parented. Even though, I really know I did a good job for the emotional state I am in. I was just over sensitive and critical of my choices.
So when I got into bed, I brought Arrine along with me. I needed to be close to her. And hearing her deep, stuffy breaths next to me was the comfort I was looking for.
In the morning, she woke me up and asked, “Mommy, how did I get into your bed?” And I explained to her and was honest. I told her that I am really missing Grandma Anne-Marie and that I wasn’t the best mommy I could be the night before and I wanted to apologize. And to that she wrapped her still pudgy arms around me and said, “Oh mommy. You are the bestest mommy ever!” And I squeezed her right back.
It was comforting knowing that even though I was so hard on myself for how I was as a mother, she still saw me as doing an ok job. And it made me reflect on the memories of my mom. I cannot remember times when I thought she was doing a bad job. I definitely didn’t agree with all her decisions for me, but it wasn’t like I ever felt she was failing.
And that’s what I hope to give Arrine too. I want her to see that I do the best I can for her, and that I am not perfect, but own my mistakes when I make them. And apologize and learn from it. And sometimes we have cookies for breakfast and that’s ok too.