Every single moment, I feel alone. My mom was the person I called to share the exciting news in my life and she was the person I turned to when I was low and needed guidance. I don’t have memories of feeling alone before she passed. And now, that word, “alone”, is one I think of every day.
I. Am. Alone. And the advice I have been given, is that I have to learn how to be alone, and be ok with it. And I have over the years, but that doesn’t take away the desperate feeling of sadness, connected to being alone. And I think those feelings of being on my own, heightens other emotions I face, mostly rejection. When I feel rejection from my friends and family, those who I consider myself the closest to, it is that much harder to receive. Because I have to take that rejection on my own. I don’t have my mother to call and get comfort from.
But there are bits of triumph from being alone. When I accomplish something with no assistance or help from someone, it’s reassuring to know I can still survive through this. And then isn’t it funny, longing to share that accomplishment excitement, but had there been someone there, I wouldn’t have done it on my own to be excited about.
For the first time in years, I caught myself thinking, “I have to call my mom and tell her this…” I know her spirit will always be with me, and in that sense I will never be alone, but flip, it would be nice if her spirit could answer the darn phone!