Oh, those wonderful signaling molecules that make us females have the luscious full hips, allow us to feed our newborn baby at the breast, process problem solving in ways our male partners physically just can’t and provides us the internal strength and wisdom that only females possess. How could something that creates such worshiped traits, makes me so bat sh*t crazy on a regular cycle?

I despise hormones for many negative reasons. Let’s just put it all out there, shall we? Acne. Hair growth where women should not have hair. Making me unable to make a simple decision. But this is what I do have going for me now: I can now recognize it. I recognize when I am in the days of the hormone clouds. And I think this has just come with age and being more in tune with myself. I think it also helps that I have not been on any form of hormonal birth control for years now. And this is a decision that I have made for myself, specifically because of the hormone control. As much as it the idea of being “hormonally regulated” is tempting, I feel much more myself when my body just effs my emotions up on their own, with no little pill assisting.

This topic may seem to be a misplaced circle on my traditional blog post web of ideas. I tend to write about my grief openly, and do this for my own therapy, which in turn can help those who read it. And with my closest friends and family, I am also open with my struggles and challenges that are not specifically grief related. So it seemed like this was something I should share too. How when I am hormonal, I am a mess. I am so hard on myself. And extremely sensitive. And react to things that I normally wouldn’t react to. And I eat like I will never have the chance to eat again.

“So, like what’s the big deal?” you may be thinking. We all know and joke about how women are when they are PMSing. But I want to share the really dark side of it. The scary part. The things that you may not want to admit.

My last hormonal cloud was one of the worst. There wasn’t a single thing I could eat that would satisfy me. One day I wanted to go get perogies AND a hamburger for lunch, because I didn’t think that either alone would stop the salivating. And then that night, I ate an entire medium pizza. I ate so much and so quickly, that I threw up. My stomach was so upset that I puked. I knew I shouldn’t have ate it. But I physically and emotionally was unable to control myself. I can laugh about it now. Like I just ate an ENTIRE PIZZA AND THEN THREW UP. But when you think about it, those hormones really have such power over us, and it can be frightening when you feel you don’t even have control over yourself and your choices.

In these days of the hormonal cloud, I just try to have more patience with myself. And I find comfort in knowing that these feelings and cravings will soon pass. But it’s almost like I can only function on the surface these days, as nothing else will be accomplished.

If you feel so low during these times for you, I encourage you to speak with your friends or doctor or therapist. Hormonal depression is something that we tend to joke about, but if it’s making you eat an entire pizza, or have even darker thoughts, then it’s something we need to not be too ashamed to ask for help with. Or just talk to someone we trust about.

For example, I once told a co-worker that if he didn’t stop asking me why I was in sh*ty mood, I would throw my chair out our 9th floor office window, and throw him out afterwards. Hormonal cloud.