I had another dream of my mother. Last night, after two challenging days, similar to the ones I had when she entered my dream just three weeks ago.
This time she was in the hospital. She had died already, but then someone notified us that she was alive again. The dream started with me at the nursing station, urgently wanting to be told what room she was in. But I kept being told she was having tests and would be back to her room shortly. Once she was back, she just started chatting with me like she had never died. She knew she was in the hospital and was showing me around, as things had changed since we were there last. She was in palliative care again, and all the rooms had been divided into long spaces, where the width of the room was really that only of the hospital bed itself. I don’t remember what we spoke of. But it was clear she was dying of CJD again, but the symptoms had not progressed as fast as they had before.
*And that is something that I still struggle with today. In real life, did she know she was dying? I asked her that in a round about way at the time, but her answer was as round about as my question. I just didn’t have the strength to ask her, “Do you know you are dying?” It was one of the questions that I asked a doctor who specializes in the disease even, but there is no way to answer that.*
And that was sort of it for the dream. I remember seeing other people in the hospital and visiting with her, but still feeling a sense of confusion about how she was alive again and her current health status.
So this morning, when I woke, I tried to make sense of her visiting me in my dreams again. I took it as a sign to stand up for myself and be a bit more forceful, in the quiet way she was. And to know that I did all I could do for myself in this situation and then start moving on from it. Because some things are not always worth our time…that is something she taught me many years ago. And one of her best quotes I hold close to my heart: “You can’t control other people’s emotions.”
I hope she starts to visit me when I have wonderful days too. Because having to go through hurt, just to see her in my dreams seems like another cruelty I am faced with her, all over again.