I am WAY ahead of schedule. I was already planning that one of my 2015 New Year’s Resolutions would be to take a burlesque class. Turns out, I got into a real life performing burlesque troupe mid-October. 2015 is gonna be a breeze!!

So, how did this happen? Well, for the last few years, I have been really interested in learning more about burlesque. And at any opportunity, going to see the performances of various companies around the city. I was following my fav troupe in the city, Capital City Burlesque on Twitter, when I saw their open call for auditions back in October. And that’s when I thought, “Well, this is a sign.” Fast forward 6 weeks and I was on stage these past two nights for their Holiday Extravaganza at the Roxy Theatre. I will openly admit I love to be on stage and perform, so that opportunity, added with cute costumes and glitter, it’s the perfect scenario for me.

And, with most things in my life, there are connections to my mom somehow. My mom wanted to name me “Audra”. My dad won with “Kirsten”. I used to tease my mom about that name when I was younger and not believing she actually liked it. But now I really enjoy the name. And I really liked the idea of using Audra as my burlesque name. I needed help though, and a friend offered the suggestion of “Audra Dacity” and I loved it right away.

au·dac·i·ty
ôˈdasədē/
noun
1.
the willingness to take bold risks.
“her audacity came in handy during our most recent emergency”
synonyms: boldness, daring, fearlessness, intrepidity, bravery, courage, heroism, pluck, grit;

I have written before about the time it took for me to get back on stage after my mom died. I had struggled with being on stage and her not being in the audience. As I questioned, “Who am I performing for anymore?” But I worked through that and was able to get under those lights again a few years back.

But in the days leading up to the show, that thought never crossed my mind. And it wasn’t until after the show on Friday night, when I thought to myself, “I didn’t think once about my mom not being able to be at this show.” And that surprised me and then it made me really sad…

I performed much better on the Saturday night. After the show I was in the lobby and I saw a mother of one of the dancers at the merchandise table, wanting to buy a picture of her daughter. And it warmed my heart, and I knew that my mom would have done the same. And when I was leaving the theatre, a photographer who was capturing us on stage throughout the show stopped me and told me she really enjoyed my performance and had some other beautiful things to tell me. And I told her how much I appreciated the feedback. And while I walked out of that almost empty theatre, through the lobby that has such creative history, I started to cry. Because that’s when it really hit me for my mom not being in the audience. I know she would have told me similar things. And she would have loved watching me. And I would have loved to be able to tell her what the photographer said to me.

I cried the entire drive home. Good, hard tears. For missing my mom. And for what she is missing. And for realizing I felt so very alone in a theatre filled with over 200 people.

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