I have said it before and I will say it again. I write when I feel the need to write. And it’s usually an outlet for me when I am sad or hurt or angry or lonely or excited or happy. But usually harder feelings create this urgency to write.
Which is why I haven’t been writing lately. I have been in such a great place. Ever since letting go of my mom’s death, pretty much a year ago (as I realize while writing this), I have had the chance to really grow. And I am still reading Women Who Run With the Wolves (it is a BIG book), and I love every bit of it.
Which brings me to today. In discussing life’s challenges, as we always do (between tv, fashion, music and home decor), Trisha made a wonderful analogy to those issues we seem to always find ourselves facing over and over. She said, “We all have our hamster wheels.”
For me, there was a hamster wheel that I hadn’t gotten on for about a year. But with this new found inner strength and connection and truly meeting and beginning a relationship with my Wild Woman, I felt I was ready to get on again when it presented itself to me. And I did everything I should have done. I said the things I needed to say without reservation, I stood up for what I believe in, I resisted following along with ideas that I knew I shouldn’t be making…and I still got effed over.
And I was crushed again. And overcome by the sadness I felt. And kept wondering, “How did I get to this place? I did everything as I was supposed to.” And then last night, after this sadness had swept across me, I got into bed to read my book. And the first thing I read, was about how we all go through this stage of setbacks. And it made me realize, that I was a bit too confident. I have felt so great with my new outlook and as Trisha described me, “blossomed” (it’s like I am coming of age all over again – I do have the acne to go along with it 🙂 ). I felt that I was ready. I was ready for the challenge when it presented itself and welcomed the opportunity to prove to myself how far I have come. But because of that, I am now depressed. I will openly declare. I have been weepy and lethargic and have no motivation. I just want to sleep. Now, mind you, this is only Day 1, and everything is still so raw. I don’t’ know how long it will last, hopefully just a few days, and then next week I will still be sad but less sad, and in a month from now, it will be “normal” life for me again.
But like I have said, this is one of my hamster wheels. I’ve been on this before and have fallen off. I can recover. What is encouraging though, is when I keep thinking about this depression. I know that a true clinical depression isn’t something you can just easily “choose” to get out of. But for me, I keep thinking about my choice in this situation. Right now I am choosing to be numb and sad and weepy. But I also am able to choose to be happy. And I didn’t have that option last time I fell off the wheel. So I feel good abut that. And my parenting hasn’t been as affected as before either. It probably helps that Arrine is a year older. But today, I felt I could be weepy and dopey, just sitting next to her on the couch, but when it was time to really interact, I was able to use a cheerful voice and still have patience with her. Maybe I was faking it a bit. But I would rather fake it, than make parenting decisions that I then regret.
So, my Wild Woman is depressed. But I needed to have this experience. To learn that even though I have gained such inner peace and contentment, it doesn’t make me any less vulnerable to my hamster wheels. I now have the tools to avoid and minimize and reduce, but it doesn’t make me emotionless and immune to the possible hurt.
Hard lesson to learn… but needed.