Emptiness is loneliness
And loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness

I always have a deep, inner sense of dark loneliness. I had the ideal relationship with my mom, and I know not all daughters have/had the same – she held no judgment, supported decisions I made that she didn’t agree with, loved me more than I knew could exist before I had a daughter, she was a shopping friend, mentor, confidant. Someone I could call at any time for support. And ask any question without the fear of disapproval. And that no longer exists for me. I am blessed to have wonderful friends who support me in many ways from afar, but they would agree I am not their priority, as it should be – they have their own families and children and spouses. But I was her priority. She said it many times, “My kids come first”. And that’s where the loneliness grows from. Knowing and accepting that I am no longer anyone’s priority. It’s just me now. And this time of year it’s even harder. Spring, which always brings change and loss for me. The anniversary of her death.

But I am not letting this darkness keep me from the light. I have found that I can still feel full, even though a part of me is empty. It’s like when I would tell my mom that I was full while eating supper and that I had filled up my right leg with good food, but my left leg still had room for desert (interesting note – Arrine has somehow developed a similar reasoning as well, all on her own). I am full and empty at the same time. And it feels good to be at this spot, instead of how I was just empty before.

I cry a lot more this time of year and I’m more sensitive to external influences. But you know what? There is a sense of empowerment and success and achievement, knowing that I am who I am now, all on my own.

Zero – Smashing Pumpkins
My reflection, dirty mirror
There’s no connection to myself
I’m your lover, I’m your zero
I’m the face in your dreams of glass

So save your prayers
For when you’re really gonna need ’em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?

She’s the one for me
She’s all I really need
‘Cause she’s the one for me

Emptiness is loneliness
And loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness
And God is empty just like me

Intoxicated with the madness
I’m in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth

I never let on
That I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down

You blame yourself
For what you can’t ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more

She’s the one for me
She’s all I really need
Oh yes she’s the one for me
She’s my one and only

Advertisements