Today was all over. But all tied together. I love days like this. Even though they are emotionally exhausting.
It started with Arrine not listing to me. First she wouldn’t get dressed for dance. Then she wouldn’t let me do her hair. And even though I was explaining to her that we needed to get ready for dance, she was having nothing of it. The plan was to go to a birthday party after dance. But her behaviour was not in line with being awarded by attending a party. So I told her, “If you don’t start listening, there will be no party.” (Even though I REALLY wanted to go so I could socialize with the moms!!) She listened for a few minutes and then resorted back to poor behaviour. So that was it. No party. Tears. Me taking some deep breaths. Tears (mine now).
[I wanted to share this because after all the “you are a great mom” comments from an earlier post, it’s important to me for people to see the struggles I have as well. It’s about my commitment to honesty with myself and others.]
I am hormonal. And wonder if Arrine picks up on it, even though I make an effort to recognize it and not let it affect my parenting. But she was miserable this morning. And this is one of the hardest times I feel as a parent. Finding the patience when she is miserable and tired. Because it’s obvious something is off with her, we just don’t know what has caused it. Nick said to me, “Why is she acting like this? This isn’t normal.” And I said, “Who knows? She’s four.” I correlate it to when adults are having a bad day or feel off – we know the social norms to keep those feelings in check. I would love to throw books at some of my coworkers when they tick me off, but I don’t. Arrine still throws her princess heels when she is mad – even though she knows she shouldn’t.
Anyhoo. After a horrible dance class of Arrine not listening and Nick taking her home early, he took her to Sylvan and I didn’t go. Even though I was supposed to go. I needed to regroup and reset and feel in control. Because I was at a point of not even being able to make a simple decision. When I was younger and was in this state, my mom would guide me through. When I was older and was in this state, Nick would guide me through. And today I saw the struggle he had leaving with Arrine and me unhappy, because he can’t still guide me through. So it was up to me. I was actually a bit scared of my emotions this morning. It had been such a long time since I felt so frustrated and out of control. I actually can’t remember the last time. But I worked through it. It was a good process for me to have to do this on my own. And I did. And then I knew I needed to mediate, but I didn’t realize I was going to meditate.
I got in my car to head to the grocery store to get ingredients for my afternoon of cooking and baking. This is what I knew I needed to do to feel better and get back to a good place. Passion Pit’s I’ll Be Alright came on my iPhone and I smiled and thought, “Thanks mom.”
While I was cleaning and cutting and prepping and stirring and pouring and measuring and mixing, I thought. I thought about how my friend Trisha has told me a number of times that I need to meditate. Or find a way to meditate. Which I haven’t really done.
1.think deeply or focus one’s mind for a period of time, in silence or with the aid of chanting, for religious or spiritual purposes or as a method of relaxation
And that’s when I realized that my mediation can be while I am the kitchen. And reading books. And other processes that have recently been added to my life.
Because I was thinking about what I was cooking. And realized that each item was connected to those strong mother figures in my life. Karen’s pasta sauce, my own chicken slow cooker creation, lentil soup (I always think of Marlene when I use lentils because of the bags of lentils she gave us years ago from her son-in-law’s farm) and my mom’s banana bread.
And I was thinking about the two books that arrived from Amazon today. Both recommendations from my mom’s dear friend who was in the Woman’s Group with her. And how I was looking forward to being done in the kitchen so I could curl up later with my books and continue my spiritual journey.
Oh, and I drank wine while I was in the kitchen. And will probably drink more.
So through this day of being all over the place, I now feel that I am back to where I should be. My day feels tied together…although I don’t think I tied it together for you through my writing. But I don’t care. I’m drinking wine.