I love Arrine dearly. Just yesterday I told her that I love her so much that it hurts (that’s a phrase my mom used to say). And then she gave me this quizzical look and I explained it just means I love her the most I can possibly love her and then I love her even more than that.

But since my breakthrough, I have felt a change with Arrine. I have written out an explanation of it and then deleted it and rewrote it again and then hit delete again. I can’t describe it. And I don’t want it to be mistaken for something that it’s not. So instead I will share this: Last night while she was in the bathtub being goofy, I was laughing so hard. And not thinking about anything else besides her. And it was that feeling of happiness that I have been searching for, squared.

I know I have mentioned how I need to find happiness within and not from other people or things or experiences. But I feel it’s fair to say that my child is a source of happiness, isn’t it? I struggle with this statement though, as I know how quickly life can change.

Is it fair to say that your children bring you happiness? Or is that just another outside source of happiness and not truly finding it within yourself, because that happiness may not always be with you.

Parents? How should I approach this? Is there a better way to word this or phrase it? Perhaps I need to look at it that being a mother is a source of happiness. And I will always be a mother, no matter the relationship or interactions I have with my child??? How do I not get caught up in placing this type of pressure on my daughter and our relationship?