Remember that list that I mentioned? Where I was tracking my progress after letting go the death of my mom?
There are just a few things so far, but I consider these little steps significant and I hold them very high with the Redefined Kirsten.
- I used to feel the need to share with people that my mom died. Random people that I would never meet again. And before I felt it was honouring my mom and her life and death. But now I realize it was just me using her death to define myself. A couple of weeks ago I was at Chapters, buying the last two books in the Harry Potter series. The girl at the check-out was surprised to learn I hadn’t read the books yet. Previous Kirsten would have gone on to explain that a friend and I had started reading the series and it was connected to my mom’s book club and she had read them but I hadn’t and blah blah blah. But I didn’t. I just said, “Yah, I haven’t read them before.” And that was it.
- Nick gave me that lovely amm necklace for Mother’s Day this year and I have worn it every day since. Or at least meant to. If I had ever forgotten to wear the necklace, Previous Kirsten’s heart beat fast and felt unsettled and was distracted. Redefined Kirsten forgot to wear it the other day. And I was ok. I was more upset that I love the look of the necklace and that was missing from the rest of my jewellery.
- While watching Downton Abbey the other day, I just had this thought pop into my head. “I’m not watching Downtown Abbey because my mom would have wanted to watch it. I am watching it because I want to watch it. And I want to watch it because I am my mom’s daughter and I love some of the things she loves because that’s how mothers and daughters are.” It seems like hardly a difference, but the difference is so monumental. For me.
- One morning I woke up and I thought, “My heart feels full.”
There. That’s it so far. But it’s a start.