Wow, yesterday was a sh*tty day, if you hadn’t already picked up on that. J But I remember amm saying to me, “Go to sleep. Get a good rest. Things always look better in the morning.” So I did just that, except my mind was wandering and it was hard to initially fall asleep, and then when I was asleep I was interrupted by nightmares. But I slept and when I woke up I thought, “Today is a new day.” Things don’t magically get better overnight, but at least I am over yesterday and now I can work on recovering from it.

In situations like this I always find my mind replaying out the events or thinking about possible future outcomes – and it’s exhausting and not healthy. But Grandma ‘Leen and I are worriers and that’s what we do. But as she once told me, “Worrying is like a rocking chair – it’ll get you nowhere.” So last night I used a little trick I picked up from my favourite psychotherapist. When you find your thoughts on a particular subject consuming you, acknowledge it and then move it out of your mind. You can even say, “Oh, there’s that thought. Now leave my mind.” I used this technique after Arrine was born and I was going through some sort of post-partum feelings. I have modified it a bit now, and instead of just acknowledging it and removing it, I replace the consuming thought with a thought about Arrine. Arrine has been having a blast with Grandma Karen and Grandpa Jean these last few days and I miss her terribly. So last night I would replace the negative thought with thinking about how today I get to pick her up from daycare. And seeing her face light up when she sees me and her running to me and I bend down to pick her up and give her a huge squeeze. And that turned my tears of sadness to tears of happiness. It gave me something to focus on that is so perfect in my life – Arrine.

Then this morning, the first song that came on the radio was I Love Myself Today by Bif Naked. And I was like, “Duh.” I listed to “I love myself today, not like yesterday” and thought, that is me. It’s so easy to forget to love yourself when it feels like things around you are falling apart. How can you remember to love yourself when you are so consumed by sadness? So that is my lesson from this saga of hurt – to never forget to love the one person who is so easily forgotten in the chaos – me.

Please don’t take this song meaning word for word as an application to my life. Just focus on “I love myself today, not like yesterday”. And that I will never feel this way again, because I will love myself every day from now on. Because Arrine deserves it…and so do I.

********

You left me like a broken doll
In pieces as I took the fall
for you, you dumb chump!
You left me free-falling like space junk
Burning up in the atmosphere of life

Well I sound like a philosopher
but I’m a fool who’s off her rocker
‘Cause I let you in my heart that one last time

I’ve had enough, made up my mind
I’m gonna get up and out and wahhh!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I’m cool, I’m calm
I’m gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
‘Cause it’s your last look
Your last look forever

Well look at you you’re all puffed up
In that big red truck- but you’re outta luck (this time)
Well, that’s tough
‘Cause I’m on fire- too hot to touch
with a chatroom full of lovers on the line
Gonna step right up. Spit shine my soul
I’m gonna be proud and loud and outta control!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I’m cool, I’m calm
I’m gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
‘Cause it’s your last look
Your last look forever

I’m lookin’ in the mirror and I like what I see:
I’ve lost the fear & the horror that’s been eating at me
‘Cause being with you is like a hangman’s noose
I was living my life in dead man’s shoes

I’ve had enough. Made up my mind
I’m gonna get up and out and wahhh!

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I’m cool, I’m calm
I’m gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
You’re dead and gone
I’m gonna get my way
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
‘Cause it’s your last look
Your last look forever!!

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