I will not apologize for what I write here. These are my inner most thoughts and feelings and I do not edit myself. It takes someone with strength and confidence to open themselves up to the world and invite everyone with you on your journey of grief and healing.
This is not a place where I intend to portray amm as perfection. She had her own struggles and challenges, as everyone does. But she was my mother. And in my eyes, the best mother that I could have ever dreamed of. I remember very little “bad” about her as a parent – although I know she must have had the same sort of days I have had. Being strong for your children by not letting them feel the magnitude for your tears and shame of the choices you have made, instead choosing to do it behind closed doors. But what matters to me, is that I have no ill things to say about her. There are probably people in this world that didn’t like her or agree with her decisions. Or didn’t want to be her friend. But that’s not what I knew. I knew a woman whom I admired and looked up to and was blessed to have her as my role model.
And that’s what I remember. And write about. The good things. The good. And that’s how I honour her and her memory and how she positively impacted others.
I live in reality. I know she is dead. I know she wasn’t perfect – no one is. But this is how I heal. Writing. And remembering – and what I remember is the good.
I am not hanging on in a detrimental way. And I am moving on. But only moving on from the hurt and the loss and the shock of what our family was faced with.
Moving on to me is not forgetting about my mom. Or not talking about her. Or not remembering the lessons she taught me and using them to better myself and continue grow. Moving on is being the person amm would want me to be, and I am that person. I too still have my struggles, but I know she would be proud of who I am today, and that’s all that matters to me.
I am amm’s daughter. And if you don’t want to be a part of my healing journey, don’t come along with me.