There are times where I feel I need to be close to amm. And I do things like wear something of hers or listen to music she loved. And just remember. And this time of year is when I want to be close to her all of the time. It’s the time of year when dates and events all point towards the end. And I hate it. I hate that this time of year holds such sad memories for me.

I have such vivid images of these times. And it’s an out of body experience. I see myself, as if I am hovering above me. I can see myself driving home that night, knowing I was driving home to the worst news. Then seeing myself fall to the ground when Nick told me, just barely getting through the front door. The hospital room in Saskatoon. That fucking chair she had to be in.

So I turned to Buffy today. Dance Me Around meant something different to me today. And the very next song that came on was He’s An Indian Cowboy In The Rodeo. And the tears came. As the drums took me to that day. And I wanted to read what I wrote that day. I scrolled back through my past and found this:

“Friday, May 29, 2009

amm has started the next chapter of her story. This morning she took her last breath while Buffy Sainte-Marie sang one of amm’s favourite songs, He’s An Indian Cowboy In The Rodeo.

Shortly after her diagnosis amm assured us that her spiritual journey had already begun. We are confident that amm’s  journey continues…because amm is always right.

Blessed be.”

Those last two words stood out.

Blessed be.

I never remembered that I wrote that on Friday, May 29, 2009…

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