I think I have mentioned before my thumb sucking. How I sucked my thumb when I was little and it has become a coping mechanism for me in adulthood. And if I haven’t mentioned it before, well now you all know. I’m old and still suck my thumb.

I remember being in high school and amm telling me how she would find me asleep, sucking my thumb, during dance competition – a very stressful time for me. Then when I was in uni and my Baba was sick and passed away, amm found me sucking my thumb in my sleep.

Every night when I was in the hospital with amm, I fell asleep after sucking my thumb. It brought me comfort and took me to a time of innocence – before I knew what loss was.

Now sucking my thumb takes me to amm and the last days I had with her. I can’t remember the last time I sucked my thumb since she passed. Probably when Grandma ‘Leen was ill and passed away last spring.

But tonight, I needed to. I needed to be taken to that time when amm was still alive. And even though she had left me already, I could still crawl into her hospital bed and be close to her. Or brush her hair and smell her cheek.

Tonight my thumb was in before I realized it. My heart rate slowed down, my cries softened and my eyes felt heavy.

But it just made me long for one more cuddle with my mom. Even if it did have to be in a hospital bed.