I was out for lunch with coworkers today, and naturally the conversation turned to living wills and life support and death and amm. It actually started when my coworker commented on the necklace that I received from my friend Christie. Remember? The butterfly one? So I told the table the story of the necklace and amm.

Then this coworker shared something with me that I wasn’t expecting. He told me how he remembered me showing him an email that amm sent me when her grammar and spelling and punctuation began to slip. It was at a time that was so early in her illness that I didn’t know what to make of it – we didn’t know she was sick. It was just one of her daily emails that she sent to me that was so uncharacteristic of her. And I showed it to him. I don’t remember doing so. But he does.

And then he mentioned remembering me telling him how her symptoms progressed – we still didn’t know what was going on, but she had cases of being quite forgetful and misplacing things.

And I told him how much I appreciated him telling me this. Because it’s another snippet of memory, connected to her, that someone else holds on to. And that means so much to me.

I have reached a point where 9/10 times when talking about amm I don’t become teary, in situations like this. But at lunch, I fought to hold back the tears. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why today was different.

So this afternoon I resorted to my work bathroom cry routine. It’s been a while since I went through those steps. And now I am having a little cry again.

But I still don’t know why…