I know I have always been open with my thoughts. But when it comes to my experiences that include others, I am more restricted with my honesty. Solely out of respect for their privacy. Which is what I need to do with this post. But I felt I needed this explanation so there aren’t questions left unanswered from this shared story.
The other day Arrine told me to sit on the stairs so she could brush my hair. This was the first time she had ever told me she wanted to brush my hair. I was overjoyed. amm would brush my hair and it was one of my favourite things. And something that I now miss dearly.
So there I was. Sitting on the stairs with this little girl behind me, gently touching my hair and sending the brush through my locks with long….slow….strokes. I could feel her soft, pudgy hands against my neck and face as she pulled my hair into place. It was magical. I should have been crying out of the pure joy I felt from this small act that was so significant.
Instead I was crying out of sadness. Deep sadness to my core. Because just as Arrine began brushing my hair, I received news in the mail that hurt me. It was so devastating that I instantly cried. There was no time to even think about how I was reacting to it. It was just tears that came straight from my heart, because my heart didn’t need time to process – it just knew.
So while Arrine was asking me questions about the hair brushing with her sweet, sweet voice, I was doing my best to answer her without her knowing I was crying. I couldn’t stand thinking that Arrine would think I was crying because of her brushing my hair. So I stayed facing forward so she wouldn’t see my tears.
Days later when I was recounting this time with my friend Trisha, I finished telling her everything and she said, “You were accepting an act of love while being rejected by an act of love.”