“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”
― Rumi

Tonight was a sad night. Within minutes I received two updates from two separate friends that have changed their lives. And I am sad for them.

So as I sat on the bed, having a little cry and thinking of amm, because what else is a girl to do, Minos came up beside me.

She head bonked my knee a few times before settling in on amm’s pj blanket.

Thanks Minos. How did you know?

I had this dream , where amm and Grandma ‘Leen and I were traveling across the western prairies and northern states, on a Metis pilgrimage.

As always, I couldn’t see her face. And when my alarm went off I desperately willed myself back to sleep, hoping for that single second of seeing her face. I did this every 9 minutes for almost an hour. Each time disappointed. Each time never seeing her face.

Each. Time. Hoping.

Today on PBS they are showing Les Miserables: The 25th Anniversary Concert DVD. And the moment I turned it on, the tears came. This music has such meaning for me. I grew up with this soundtrack. Listening with amm. I can see her with me when the music surrounds me. And I cry. Tears of missing her. Tears of the mother-daughter relationship in the story. Tears of wanting her to be here, with me, in my living room, watching with me.

On the bright side of things, I learned that my celebrity crush, Nick Jonas, performs in this anniversary show. I plan to buy this dvd, curl up with a bowl of popcorn with cheddar cheese and pickle slices and watch. And cry. And eat. And be with amm.

amm introduced me to the arts. And showed me how to fall in love with the theatre. I have such vivid memories of the first ballet amm took me to – The Nutcracker at the Saskatoon auditorium. Was it called the Jubilee back then?

I was wearing my Annette’s School of Dance jacket and one of the ballet company staff saw me in it. They stopped me and brought me a signed pair of pointe shoes from one of the dancers. I still have them. And spent many hours playing pretend with them. And although we never had lots of extra money growing up, amm always found a way for us to enjoy the theatre.

Today Arrine had her first theatre experience. Max & Ruby – The Nutcracker Suite (a kids bunny cartoon show). Without knowing how a 2 year old would do, I had prepared myself to be ready to leave at any moment if Arrine wasn’t doing well.

But she sat and watched the entire 1 1/2 hour show. And clapped after each dance. And pointed to the stage and shared her joy at what she was seeing.

She sat on my lap for almost the entire show. Maybe in the last 15 minutes she wanted to stand and spin. But she still stood and watched intently.

In the car ride home she said, “Turn around. I wanna see the bunnies again.” And later, “I wanna go see Max & Ruby again.”

Thank-you amm for taking me to the ballet. Arrine thanks you too.

My favourite step in my bedtime routine is this: checking on Arrine. Right before I get into bed, I go into her room, fix her covers, kiss her hair, her cheek, whatever I am craving to kiss. And I think of amm and how I fit into her bedtime routine.

This pic doesn’t do Arrine’s adorableness justice. I am a horrible mother for using the flash – which is why she moved to cover her eyes and the pic is blurry. But I tried to capture how irresistible she is when she sleeps.

Oh. I love her so.

I love Law & Order: SVU. And the episode I watched last night had some good connections to amm. Not only did we use to watch the different Law & Orders together, last night there was mother who was dying from brain tumours. And the tumours caused her to mix up her words. The mother was admitting to a murder that her teenage daughter committed – and the detectives knew.

While in her hospital bed, the mother said to the detectives, “So many people talk about how it’s sad that I won’t see my daughter graduate or miss seeing her get married. But those aren’t the things a mother really wants. A mother wants to protect her child. Let me protect my daughter one last time.”

The detectives then left the room, and watched the daughter enter and crawl into bed with her mom. Side by side in the hospital bed. Just as amm and I were.

I can still feel amm protecting me. How could she not? It’s what mothers do. Protect their children.

So after I made the post about the Food Network and Sticky Toffee Pudding, I received two messages from amm’s dearest friends. Ummm…

“It is SO ironic that you wrote about STP yesterday because I served it to some friends (former classmates of AM & me!) yesterday afternoon when I hosted them for a tea party. I’m sure AM was with us—we all talked about what a great person she was! She does work in mysterious ways , Doesn’t she???!!! I hope you don’t mind if I share the recipe?—AM lives on!!!!”

“Ironic that we (Ann Marie’s friends) were consuming  and discussing Sticky Toffee Pudding at Iris’s on the same day the post was about Sticky Toffee Pudding….”

Mom! You’re freaking me out!!! But I love it.

The other morning I found myself in a conference room with about 10 gentlemen. I was the only female. All were older than me. And looking at me. Because I ran the meeting. And did most the of the talking. And asked the questions. And confirmed the details. It was a kick-off meeting for one of my major projects. And at one point I thought to myself during the meeting, “Wouldn’t amm love to see this?”

Especially when the meeting wrapped and one of my co-workers came up to me and said, “Good meeting, Kirsten.”

Tonight I said something I shouldn’t have to a friend. And the feeling it caused me brought on the tears. And I wondered, “Did I cry this much before amm died?”

For situations like this, I most likely did. Except I would have called her crying and confessing. And she would have said the words I needed to hear to calm me down.

But now when I cry, I don’t have her to call so it’s more consuming. And noticeable.

“Mom? Are you reading this? Please take some of my tears for me. Love KK”