Last night I was hit with an unexpected feeling of aloneness. I have been so focused on My Project that I even though I knew amm would have loved to have known about My Project, I never really thought about it, if that makes sense.
But last night when I was sitting on the couch and I was finally able to hit “send” announcing DanceHer, in that moment, this enormous feeling of being alone hit me. I have put so much time and love and commitment into My Project and I was so excited to finally share it. But in that instant of officially sharing with the online world, I was physically alone. And it hurt. It hurt so much that I let the tears flow, heavy tears, body heaving. I am taking it harder than I even thought was possible. I can’t even describe the emptiness I felt.
I think it was so overwhelming because it was completely unexpected. I never anticipated feeling so low when sharing something I am so proud of. But I sat there, longing to share it – my happiness of My Project – with who I wanted to share it with the most.
And then I felt guilt. Guilty that I was focusing on what I don’t have, instead of focusing on what I do have – an amazing Project Team that has been such a driving force behind My Project. They have provided feedback, guidance, encouragement and most importantly, their time. They have been there for me these last number of months and in that moment, I forgot it all.
Guilty that in the hours leading up to the reveal, Trisha had been texting me, super excited about the site going live. Sending me pictures, checking out the site and just being “there”. But still not remembering her in that moment – does that make sense? And then her telling me that she is proud of me. And once I shared with her about my tears and sadness, she said, “Go to sleep. Rest.” And I told her that she was my mom for the day.
And as I checked on Arrine before I got into bed, as I do each night, I was tempted – for the first time ever – to pick Arrine up from her bed and take her to bed with me, so I could cuddle her and not feel so alone. But I let her sleep, with her soft, deep breaths through her fabulously chubby cheeks.
I cry as I write this. Mom – look at what I have accomplished so far. Project Team – thank-you, oh, my deepest thanks to you.