I have been longing for Batoche…it’s calling me. And so I will answer it.
Last Kiss is one of my favourite covers by Pearl Jam. Every time I hear it I have to sing along. And cry. Like this morning, I was happily listening to CBC on my way to work, Last Kiss came on and I sang. And cried.
And then I was sad that I couldn’t remember if I had ever shared this song with amm.
But now, while writing this post, I remember that we once had a jam session in Anth & Julie’s old condo and we sang this song. And amm was there.
I have an iPod mini. Yes, a mini. I think I got it in 2005 – gray-scaled screen, turn dial. Do you remember? What I know is that it still gots juice. And it’s what I have in the Bose docking station at home. Mind you it has been ages since I synced it with iTunes, so it has some really old playlists. Which I love.
This morning I chose playlist “October 2008” and Paper Planes by M.I.A. came on. I f’ing love this song. Love. It. And it reminds me of amm.
Paper Planes was on the soundtrack for Slumdog Millionaire. I know I have written about this before, but I will again. After I watched the movie, I knew it was one I wanted to share with my parents. So one time when they were in town visiting, we went to The Garneau to watch it.
And have you listened to the soundtrack? It’s amazing. All the songs connect with me.
Anyhoo, I had this soundtrack in the car that I drove back and forth from the hospital to the house each day while in the hospital with amm. And I would crank this song. Roll down the windows. And drive.
Leave the hospital parking lot. West on 11th Ave. North on 100th Street. West on 12th Ave..or 13th Ave…or 14th Ave…or 15th Ave..whichever one until I hit Railway. Then cruised up Railway, along the road amm would have her walks. Overlooking the river. North-east on Greise Street – we joked about this being the shortest street that no one actually lived on. Then left. Then curved right. Then left. Then right. Then curved left. And then home.
Everyday. And then back the next morning.
Arrine had her first dance class of the season yesterday. And this year we went and bought a bodysuit and ballet shoes, even though they aren’t required for her class – it’s still just a Parent & Tot class. But Arrine loves dance class and I figured she would enjoy shopping for dance clothes and shoes – which she did. And she loved wearing her new bodysuit and ballet slippers to class.
Ballet slippers now come with the elastic strap sewn in already. I remember when I was young, the elastic wasn’t attached – you either had to buy your own elastic piece and sew it on or sew on the elastic that came with the shoes. And it reminded me of amm sewing my elastic on my ballet slippers for me. Year after year…I wonder how many elastics she sewed for me.
amm would have loved to come to dance class with Arrine and me.
I have a friend. Her name is Trisha. I like her. She had an idea to start blogging about the different events we go to together, because we really do always have a lovely time. Giggles. Maybe some tears. And always an unexpected outcome that *makes* the night.
So here’s the blog! We plan to blog about past events when we get a moment to take a trip down memory lane, as well as the upcoming dates too. So stay tuned. amm would have loved to hear about our adventures.
I give Trisha 95% credit for this.
The other night when I went over to my fabulous friend’s house for a Project Work & Beer Date, I brought her yellow roses. And explained to her the meaning behind the yellow rose – it is the flower of friendship, and it has a connection to amm and Beta.
Today I sent yellow roses to a dear, dear friend of amm’s. I hope from the simple message on the card she will know how much I appreciate her kindness and friendship she offered amm, and then to me after her passing. And that I am thinking of her a lot these days. Hugs and love to you.
Last night I was hit with an unexpected feeling of aloneness. I have been so focused on My Project that I even though I knew amm would have loved to have known about My Project, I never really thought about it, if that makes sense.
But last night when I was sitting on the couch and I was finally able to hit “send” announcing DanceHer, in that moment, this enormous feeling of being alone hit me. I have put so much time and love and commitment into My Project and I was so excited to finally share it. But in that instant of officially sharing with the online world, I was physically alone. And it hurt. It hurt so much that I let the tears flow, heavy tears, body heaving. I am taking it harder than I even thought was possible. I can’t even describe the emptiness I felt.
I think it was so overwhelming because it was completely unexpected. I never anticipated feeling so low when sharing something I am so proud of. But I sat there, longing to share it – my happiness of My Project – with who I wanted to share it with the most.
And then I felt guilt. Guilty that I was focusing on what I don’t have, instead of focusing on what I do have – an amazing Project Team that has been such a driving force behind My Project. They have provided feedback, guidance, encouragement and most importantly, their time. They have been there for me these last number of months and in that moment, I forgot it all.
Guilty that in the hours leading up to the reveal, Trisha had been texting me, super excited about the site going live. Sending me pictures, checking out the site and just being “there”. But still not remembering her in that moment – does that make sense? And then her telling me that she is proud of me. And once I shared with her about my tears and sadness, she said, “Go to sleep. Rest.” And I told her that she was my mom for the day.
And as I checked on Arrine before I got into bed, as I do each night, I was tempted – for the first time ever – to pick Arrine up from her bed and take her to bed with me, so I could cuddle her and not feel so alone. But I let her sleep, with her soft, deep breaths through her fabulously chubby cheeks.
I cry as I write this. Mom – look at what I have accomplished so far. Project Team – thank-you, oh, my deepest thanks to you.
So…you wanna know what My Project is? I think you dooooooo!!!
There is still a lot of work to do, but I am ready to launch! I will write more about the process and how I got here…but now, I just need to go to bed.
Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. One of the emails came today. If the final one comes by the end of the day…I just might be able to reveal!!!
But now I am starting to psych myself out!!! And I am nervous for the feedback!! Eeeeeeee!!!
Another season of Long Island Medium has started…
Another season of questioning…