that even though you know you are loved by friends and family, when you don’t have the love from that one person you miss the most, it can feel as though you are not loved by anyone?
What’s your answer?
Mine is: Because it’s just not the same.
Tonight I watched a movie with amm. My plans changed and I ended up alone tonight. So I decided to watch a movie and I found The Time Travellers’s Wife. Because amm loved this book and so did I and it was like I was watching the movie with mom.
And I cried throughout. I don’t know if it was the story, or that I wished amm could be watching with me, or that I still felt so alone.
But being alone is ok. Hard…but ok.
Shortly after amm passed away, I found a bag full of old letters that amm had written her girlfriends in high school.
In one letter she complained about having to put her mom’s hair in curlers. And just imagining amm doing Grandma ‘Leen’s hair made me giggle. And how much amm was annoyed with having to do it.
I was reminded of this the other night when Arrine was helping me put curlers in my hair. But at least for this time, Arrine actually wanted to help. 🙂 I would ask for a certain colour of roller and she would pass them to me. Until she learned how to put them in her own hair.
Before I had the chance to take any pictures, she actually had three rollers perfectly placed in her hair. She had taken one out by the time I returned.
I stopped reading those letters… I felt that was I invading amm’s privacy.
So…while purchasing that AWOLNATION album on iTunes the other day, there in the bottom right hand corner under “Listeners Also Bought”, was the Video Games Remix album by Lana Del Ray.
I bought it.
I may have an addiction to Video Games.
Yesterday I realized I am doing things now because I WANT to do them, not because I SHOULD do them.
Huh. That’s pretty good.
Defo there are still SHOULD feelings…but I know I will get back to almost all WANT…
Arrine is perfect, lovely, adorable, smart…blah blah blah. But Arrine can be a challenge – she has a short temper and wants to do things on her own and wants to do things her own way. Now where does she get that from…?
And although all my posts about Arrine so far have been heartwarming and sweet, I felt it was about time to become The Honest Parent.
Today was rough picking up Arrine from daycare. First I found her swinging back and forth, dangerously, from the monkey bars. She is able to climb up onto the wooden ledge, then on tippy toes, reach reach reach until her pudgy fingers wrap around the bar. Then she lets go of her feet against the ledge and just hangs. And swings. Until she falls down into the sand after her little hands slowly slip off as she looses her grip. And she thinks it’s hilarious. And so much fun that she didn’t want to go home. Cries. Then while walking to the car she ran away from me – something she likes to do and thinks is hilarious. I scolded her. Cries. She wanted to do up her own car seat safety belt and close the car door. I couldn’t let her do that. Cries.
Cries all the way home. Literally. Cries.
And while I was keeping my head straight, eyes on the road, not giving into the cries, I longed for a button I could push, that would raise a dark glass window between the front and back seat, that was sound proof too. Just like what a limousine driver has. And I would have raised that glass, blocked out the crying, turned on the radio and enjoyed my drive home.
And I know that amm would have had these moments too. Wishing she could ‘turn me off’. But still loving me in that moment. Or hours…
This reminded me of a comedy sketch I was once shown of Louis C.K. and his thoughts on parenting. He spoke of the most appreciated moments a parent has in their day: they are the seconds between shutting the car door once your kids are loaded inside, and walking around the car until you open the driver’s side door to get into the car with them.
I wonder how many times amm appreciated those moments outside the car while I was inside. 🙂