Perception seems to be a recurring theme in my life as of late. But tonight I will focus on the perception of happiness, or perhaps, the lack of happiness.
I write when I am struggling. When I hurt, when I want to cry, when I need to get my thoughts out so they don’t consume me. And that’s why this blog has been so successful since its conception. It started as a way to provide information to friends and family about amm’s daily progress and it has morphed into my coping mechanism. Which I have been told helps others with their grieving too. Just knowing that gives my writings even more purpose. And it makes me feel that I always have to be completely honest and never hold back. I write as if no one is reading this and I write as if the entire world is reading this.
I also dance. Last night I listened to Video Games by Lana Del Rey and I danced. In a few minutes I had choreographed a phrase and did it back and forth in the living room. And it was sad but joyful at the same time. But I can’t easily share that, besides just writing about it.
And its easy to use this blog to look into my life, but because its focus is on my mom, there are more sad posts than happy ones, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t also have happiness in my life. Are you following? Take today, there were multiple reasons to smile and giggle and be thankful for what I do have. First thing I put on amm’s silver box chain and it helped me feel connected to her. At lunch time my Work Best Friend made me giggle at the silliest things.
- Kirsten: My cousin Lise gave Arrine a yodeling pickle
- Brandon: What does it say?
- Kirsten (pause): …It yodels. [GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE]
- Brandon: [proceeds to yodel]
And tonight after Arrine was in bed, I stood outside her door and listed to her sing herself to sleep. I stood in the darkened hallway, smiled, and thought of times that amm must have done the same.
But I am always sad. I will always have this deep sadness to my core. But over the sadness I can layer bits of happiness here and there. I still have moments, days, blips of happiness. I really do. It’s looking for them and recognizing them and knowing that amm would want me to find them for myself.