And then later in the evening another friend came bearing gifts. This GIGANTIC bottle of wine, because he remembered me mentioning amm drinking Hochtaler one time we were at the LBS. It almost brought me to tears – a combo of his thoughtfulness and the ridiculousness of the size of bottle!! I put a penny next to it for reference.

Napkins and Wine. An amm Kinda Day.

Then I ate a baked potato for brunch. amm loved her potatoes. And it wasn’t until I was eating it when I recognized the connection.

And now I will go shopping. My first plan was to go to the greenhouse and get flowers for my planters. But once I was up today, I decided that I would rather do that with Arrine. So instead I will shop.

And my sis-in-law reminded me that I need to have a glass of white wine sometime today too.

Thank-you to everyone who have sent their emails and messages of remembrance today.

It’s defo an amm kinda day.

At the last competition of the season, I was recognized out of a stage-full of people by the adjudicator, Laura Bishop. During adjudication she called me forward and presented me with her “Hollywood Glamour” award. It’s hard to remember all the special words she said to me, as I was completely overwhelmed and was trying to still see through the tears. But what I did catch was that I reminded her of Ann Miller. Ann Miller was a singer/actress/dancer from the 1940s and 1950s, who had a contract with MGM for Hollywood movie musicals. Ann Miller had dark, dark hair, and she would have red, red lips. And her name was “Ann”.

So Ms. Bishop presented me with the award she created just for me – Hollywood Glamour.

And this adjudicator made me realize that I was dancing for me now. I think I knew that, and it showed throughout my performances, but it was an adjudicator giving me such a significant compliment made me *really* know it.

This evening was made ever more special, by having 4 friends in the audience. And I am thankful for the other friends who supported me on other evenings as well – and the upcoming family who will be at the year-end recital. Having that support increases the ‘pump-up’ factor of the performance.

I feel so honoured to be compared to such an amazing icon, such as Ann Miller. And even though I am dancing for me now, I know amm is enjoying each and every one of my performances. Because when I dance for me, I can’t help but be dancing for her, and every single person in the audience.

Some photos from the competition courtesy of the professional photographer and my dear friend who captured some good ones too! Especially of me accepting my award!

But this afternoon, while she was colouring at her table and I was working in the kitchen, I heard Arrine say, “I love Mommy. I love Mommy.” I squealed and rushed over to give her a kiss and tell her that I love hearing that she loves me! She smiled…and hasn’t said it again since…

And I wondered if amm remembered the first time she ever heard me say, “I love Mommy.”

When I was young, my most important side-kick and confidant was Yeow. Yeow was my stuffed kitty cat that I loved so much she ended up being just a scrap of material and two glass eyes when I tucked her away in a special box for her final resting spot. Her name was Yeow because I couldn’t pronounce meow.

And the day that amm washed my filthy Yeow I was FURIOUS!! Yeow no longer smelled the same. I was horrified that amm would have washed her without consulting me first!! Decades later we still talked about that day…

But last night I couldn’t resist. Arrine’s bunny that she keeps at daycare was dirty and had a piece of yellow paper glued to her ear. So I washed her. And I hope that Arrine doesn’t notice.

“Bunny, are you ok?”

May 25th has comforting/accepting/understanding memories, along with tough memories. And today I couldn’t help but reflect on them all. And I felt so very alone.

I am lying in bed, listening to the rain hit against the house. The loudness rising and falling with the swoops of raindrops. Like the clouds are taking deep breaths in and then quickly exhaling.

It reminded me of someone and how we used to talk about the rain. And how it was mesmerizing to watch, being safely tucked inside. But one time, while talking about the rain, I couldn’t resist. I was drawn outside and felt the drops on my face. I stretched out my arms and forced myself to look up at the sky, accepting the rain in. And then we both agreed how cleansing the rain can be. And that sense of freshness and newness a rainfall can bring.

So now, as I listen to the dibble dibble dop dop, I need to remember that.

A rain cleanse.

I’ll be in touch! I do have lots to say!

When I’m Sixty-Four

When I get older,
losing my hair,
many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a Valentine,
birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

If I’ve been out
till quarter to three,
would you lock the door?
Will you still need me,
will you still feed me,
when I’m sixty-four?

You’d be older too,
and if you say the word,
I could stay with you.

I could be handy
mending a fuse,
when your lights are gone.
You can knit a sweater by the fireside.
Sunday mornings go for a ride.

Doing the garden,
digging the weeds,
who could ask for more?
Will you still need me,
will you still feed me,
when I’m sixty-four?

Every summer we can rent a cottage in the isle of Wight
if it’s not too dear.
we shall scrimp and save,
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera, Chuck and Dave.

Send me a postcard,
drop me a line,
stating point of view.
Indicate precisely what you mean to say.
Yours sincerely, wasting away.

Give me your answer,
fill in a form, -
mine for ever more.
Will you still need me,
will you still feed me
when I’m sixty-four.