One of the recent things I have been working on letting go of, is control. I admit to playing out different scenarios and analyzing how to handle them in present day, so that things work out “perfectly” in the future. And then this leads to disappointment and being hurt, because the majority of the time, these situations involve the people in my life. And because I have certain expectations of people, when they don’t live up to this or the situations I have planned out don’t happen as I thought they would, I am let down.
A couple of weeks ago I was presented with a choice. Spend time and effort to possibly alter how things may happen with an upcoming schedule OR don’t do anything. I chose to not to anything. And it was hard. But it felt right. And I was letting go of trying to control the future.
And my Current Self is so happy with my Past Self. Because things did not happen as I was expecting them to – not even directly connected to my previous choice. It was something I was completely blind-sided by. I am still hurt, but when I talked to Tee about it, I said, “Even though I am sad about this, imagine how I would feel if I had tried to control this situation?”
And then she reminded me that, “Fear is also a massive driver of control. Because as long as we can control, we have nothing to fear. Until we realize that we can’t control.”
My career as a PM is all about control. Determining how decisions today will affect the project in a week, month, year. Determining risk. Mitigating risk. Planning. Controlling. And I am so good at it, because it comes natural to me. So now that I have had this realization, I can work on keeping the control contained to my career, and not let it infiltrate my personal life.
And working on determining on what I fear that leads to control. And then not controlling that fear. ;)