Yesterday was a challenging day on my spirit. There were a lot of tears and some wonderful support from friends. But I am still recovering from it. And probably will for some time.
But I think I saw her. In my dreams. I have shared before those excruciatingly, frustrating dreams of my mother, where no matter what I do, I cannot see her face. Her back is always turned to me, or she is in a position where I can’t get myself to the angle to see her face.
Last night, I dreamt we were back at Bready School. We hadn’t been there for years, but all the people who had been there when it was our home, as well as staff from Alexander Junior High, were still there. And it was as though my mom was with me, and everyone knew she was dead, but we could all see her and it was normal for her to be there with me. We drove to the school and parked on the street at the front door. While we walked up the path I looked at the two memorial trees that had been planted for classmates that had died decades ago. The one tree was massive – it was so tall that I felt it went into the clouds and couldn’t even see the top. I said to my mom, “Look at Tara’s tree.”
As we walked the halls together and met someone in our path, they would look at her and greet her with respect. And she would nod, and smile in recognition. In the quiet way she held power. Knowing everyone. We ended up having a meeting with Mrs. Davidson in the main office, and although I don’t remember the details of what we discussed, I remember looking at her bookshelf and seeing my mother’s books there. And thinking, “Oh, those are the books that I gave the school after mom died.”
The next scene we were back at our house in NB, and I was in my bedroom, extremely frustrated with not being able to find anything in my closet to wear. I think I was going back to Bready to be a teacher and couldn’t find an outfit to wear, so the kids would like it but it would still be acceptable as a teacher. I know my mom came into my room, but I can’t remember if we resolved the outfit or not.
And that was it. I woke up and as I groggily got out of bed and walked into the hallway, going through the pieces of the dream, I stopped when I realized, “I think I saw her.” But it wasn’t obvious. It wasn’t like before when the dream was so clear that the premise was that I deliberately could not see her. But there wasn’t a moment of recognition like, “I have been longing to see your face, and now I can.”
My girlfriends and I like to analyze our dreams. Although I am struggling with this one. Does it have anything to do with my draining day yesterday? If so, then what is the connection? Now that she was more a part of my dream, with me by my side, instead of being that beacon I am trying to grasp?
I’ll keep thinking about it, and shed a few more tears. Maybe it’s her way of letting me know that even though I feel so ridiculously alone, it will be ok, because she is sort of with me, but sort of not, and I need to be ok with that.